Jay Jurisich » newsmash

Newsmash: September 18, 2008

jay — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 19:30:24 +0000

Time for another edition of Newsmash, a mashup of headlines taken from CNN.com over the last 24 hours. For added fun, guess which of the headlines below was NOT altered in any way, but appears just as it did on CNN.com (*answer following):

Amish invade Florida town

Baby squirrel to help count California rats

Best dressed sheriff loves house standing

Blind masseurs jump from bridge

Candy may prevent attack

How to avoid places that are good for teeth

How we got into this meltdown

Is boutique passenger jet worth the price?

Japanese glasses caught in submarine

Man finds dead satellite

Medicine gains in mass popularity

Mystery of bloody money mess

Orbiting shark scrambles for safe milk

Parents you’ve never heard of

Reality warned to back off

Rescuers free giant lizards from toilet

Russian roulette takes center stage

Squealing cat beats pig to death

This administration allegedly survives hurricane

Who gives better answers, people or miracle cat?

*And the winner is… Blind masseurs jump from bridge. Sometimes you just can’t beat reality, so… Reality warned to back off!

Newsmash: January 9, 2008

jay — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 18:19:23 +0000

Pundits threaten baby’s arm

Pregnant Marine caught stuffing puppy under sweater

James Bond execution caught on tape

Internet suicide blamed on weird weather

Disney World faked confrontation video

Nude teacher stuck on roof

Meanest mom on planet named Most Eligible Pet

Hospital error blamed on Chuck E. Cheese

Feds toss ice pioneer off bridge

Baby polar bear is probably a glowing pig

Australians battle farthest glaciers

Comedian sees Mark of Beast

Worst-Dressed celeb cuts off, microwaves hand

Girl, 2, arrested in shootout

Ikea blamed for Diana’s death

Newsmash: June 16, 2004

jay — Fri, 18 Jun 2004 06:41:00 +0000

Wednesday — Afghanistan Puts Down and Rolls Up Foreign Contractors

Shrapnel Causes 25,00 Wrecks

Year 11, 2001: Terrorist Attacks Document — Plotting to Blow up the Editor

Early Roster of Al Qaeda Superstars Planned Simultaneous Attacks on Wednesday

Obese ‘Idol’ host took delight in his sunburned hands, smoked cocaine, crabs and sponges.

Israel’s Destiny School Postponed According to Sources

The wealthiest African-American detainees are more than extended.

Inside, infamous casualties rise. Commission to strike again.

Sea Change — Mexico Clinging to Rocks

Israeli prosperity affirms ironclad peace, killing top security targets investigating Qaeda plots.

Tailspin for a Team — United States Sept. 11, 2001

Guantanamo Drill — The Shimmering Water Lapped Against Extremist Militants

TV Job Awaits 6-year-old Girl in trash-strewn compound west of Baghdad

Sept. 11 terrorist a patriot compelling Detroit Pistons chronicler to reenlist.

A man smiled to determine whether he is John Kerry.

Wednesday. More Attacks — New Interim Government Behind After Bombing.

More Chunks Lodged in Pipeline — Jailed Militants Revealing Large Pain

Saudis Say Give In To Al Qaeda

Ill-planned Iraq officers said on Wednesday U.S. may cede Baghdad to Saddam Hussein.

Rebuffing the Sept. 11 Attacks in a Hair-raising ABU GHRAIB Bathroom

Mentally Unfit Interim Government Aided Prewar Rhetoric

Turbulent National Basketball Academy Mall Plot Slammed

Mental Health Soldiers Won’t Necessarily Make Your Belly Fat

Capitol Office Disease — VP Hunt Ordered

Child-killer to Give Fresh Hijacked Planes to Southeast Asia — Sept. 11, 2001

Fat-related Singing to Increase Oil Production

American Guards on Junk — Casual Beating Experiences in March

War Erodes United Military Emotions

Saudi Arabia “Does Not Deserve” Liposuction — Attorney General Suspected on Bribery Charge

Independent al-Qaida terror insurgents sabotaged pipelines, lost 19 of 31 games.

JERUSALEM. Hollywood’s Oscar lawsuits for Vanity Fair.